Opinion: The Purina diet

POSTED: 07/11/11 12:33 PM

It’s good to have some friends and acquaintances that seem to be slightly out of whack, if only because they make life so much more bearable. Our friend Mike recently returned to his home state of Ohio for a break from his retirement in the Caribbean. Upon arrival he sent us an email that had us peeling with laughter, and we thought the story funny enough to share with our readers. Hold tight:


Hello everyone,


Just to let you know Peggy and I arrived back in Ohio last night just fine. Today, I find people are just about as stupid here as when we left last September

I was at my local Wal-Mart today buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal Yorkie, Bonheur, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant? So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog. I was starting the Purina diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle’s ass and a car hit me.

The rest of the people in line as well as the cashier were laughing hysterically to the point a guard had to come over to see what was going on.

Now, Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore.


P.S. – I tell two kinds of stories. Those that are true and those that could be true.

We’re of two minds here. Knowing Mike we also know that at least two things are true: he really traveled to Ohio and he does have a Yorkie, but his name is not Bonheur. On the other hand, Mike doesn’t have 50 pounds to lose; if that happened, our good friend would vanish entirely as a result of his diet. But who knows? There are enough crazy diets out there, so maybe this one works for Animals R Friends supporters. We suggest that readers, who want to try this, inform the intensive care unit at the hospital before doing anything.

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